Blackhole || Loving Myself

“Blackhole” reminds me of “Selbstliebe”

|| Loving Myself




…and again another spring is about to start. I love this special time of the year, when the cold wet darkness is history and the world is flooded with light, becoming alive again, blooming and growing. I can’t help it but am starting to get romantic feelings and am ready to fly again, while the world is unfolding it’s magic.

And here I am: welcoming life! I enjoy the sun on my hungry skin. It feels good to be flooded with various emotions again. Precious spring time.

Suddenly a brainwave hits me, reminding me in a small ritual I practiced concerning the “Rauhnächte” here in Germany. I wrote a short intro about this topic as my first blog entry back in December 2018: ->

Since ever, days, weeks, month passed. In this ritual “Rauhnächte”, each month stands for a specific topic:

January || letting go of the past, welcoming the “Rauhnächte”

February || archiving clarity

March || new beginning and new perspectives

April || strength and confidence

Looking back at the first three month of this year, I’m aware I still am busy with a lot of thoughts, content and weight of my past year. The last year was very rich for me. I’m under the impression that I did not even learn all my lessons yet. I’m thirsty for knowledge and feel the urge to grow. Still, there is so much I need to have a closer look at and there are some things I want to change in every day life. But where do I really stand after three month of the new year went by!? I feel betrayed about time. Blackhole. Lack of time. It was not only one hour they stole from me during the past night, it’s complex.

In February and March I was digging too much – I had too many subjects on my mind and no clarity. I fell back into old pattern. I worked my ass off and got myself exhausted by numerous challenges, daily over dose and a fragile health. This was not what I had on my mind for myself. Some things take time. I need to become patient. (Another thing on my list; “patience”.)

By the end of March, I was sick with an infection (again), that knocked me out for at least 2-3 weeks. This explains at least some parts of the blackhole and the lack of time.

I have so many issues I need to deal with, things that I wanna investigate in order to learn, grow and move on. I have this huge pile of books sitting beside my bed and it seems like it’s only growing. I know this is crazy. Instead of looking far away into my future and worrying about all those things, I need to return to myself, to here and right now, the current time and place.

Today is the last day of March 2019 and I realize: this is not how I want to continue in every day life. Déjà vu, I’ve been here before!

Life is challenging. Sometimes we’re getting lost on our way. I was lost. Now I need to get back on track. What I learned from this?! I need to find my own tempo. I need to do smaller steps in order to be able to continue without getting lost or getting frustrated. So even if I tumble again, it is fine, I’m taking my time. I have time. I am alive. At the same time, each day I’m getting closer to dying. No pressure, but awareness. I need to focus on the moment. Live. Feel. Enjoy. Be. I dedicate myself to here and right now.

It’s spring time and I am enjoying my life on the country side. Current focus: reducing my stress level in order to get healthy again. I gotta make sure to do good for myself. It’s all about “Selbstliebe”, meaning: loving yourself.

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