It killed me. || I let it happen.

||Sequel 1/3

Guilty. The only thing that I am guilty to blame myself on is that I did not protect myself. I did not stand up for my own needs and for my health. Guilty. I only did my job. “No” was not the answer, I made it happen. Work overload and I still made sure to keep it going on a high level. Work. Work. Work. I saw it coming. I told everyone at work. I warned them it was too much work load. They listend but my words could not get through to them. It still was working. I kept it going. I loved my job. I always gave my all. The work load asked for more and more. It was okay for a moment, maybe for two, but after 1,5 years of working on a high energy level, it simply was too much. They did not want to hear what I said. So my body shut down, after I ignored it for too long. My body sent me signals before, hints which I ignored. I had to function. I wanted to function. Meanwhile a part of me died and the rest of myself went to a “function only” modus.

All of a sudden, total break down. One tiny last drop was too much to bare. Since ever, I cried too many tears. I became an emotional frack. I lost myself. Darkness surrounded me. I couldn’t function anymore.
Depression. My body and immun system was a total frack as well. I thought, I still had some energy left. I thought, I could handle it. Unfortunately, it was too late and I couldn’t realize it.
I am sick of a burn out.

Burn out. A sickness that everyone speaks about, but we rarely know about it. We can not comprehend what it means to be burned out. The environment does not know how to deal with this sickness, so how should I be able to understand that I am not an owner of my own body anymore?!
I became less than a shadow of myself. My health was in a bad shape. I became insecure, lonely, unloved… sometimes aggressive, scared…I literally was dying. I had not much power to keep myself going.
I forgot anything, my head was not working proper. It made me crazy that I could not rely on myself anymore. I had to do things two-three-four times, over and over again as I often forgot parts. I forgot names and events. I searched for things all the time. I simply could not remember anything. My brain would not work correctly anymore. I found my keys in the fridge. I left the stove on without watching. I burned food repeatedly.
I had bad headaches. I could not stop coughing. My tummy felt weird all the time. I was nervous, anxious, restless. I did not like to surround myself with people anymore. I became numb, no sex drive, no interests. I lost my creativity and power. I did not shine anymore. No smile. I lost friends. Furthermore, I could not sleep anymore. I had 2-3 hours of sleep maximum each night for weeks. That got me even more worn out. I was tired, really tired of life. I cried without a reason. I cried all the time. I became a zombie.

I would not find answers.

I went to see various doctors. I took it serious. I understood the wake up call, again not to save myself but for the sake of my little child. I accepted being sick and knew I had to work on it. It wasn’t a secret. I was very open about it. I knew it had to change. I had to change. Unfortunately, I always had to justify myself. Burn out?! C’mon, get yourself together…

Burn out is difficult to describe. There are various ways how it shows itself, and it’s difficult to say when it starts and when it ends. It’s not like a broken bone that is cured easily. You can not move away from it like that. It is a depression that will remain with you all the time. It’s up to you to learn how to deal with it.

I could not return to work for almost a year.
In the meantime I did anything to get healthy again. That was a lot of work. I lost a whole year to the blackhole named burn out. And it was a lot of hustle I had to deal with in terms of health insurance, monies and so on. The environment even made it impossible to only be sick and taking care of yourself. You had to make sure to stick to the rules. It was a tough time. Something none should put up with.

Sad but true: number of mental illness is rising. Burn out seems to be something normal all of a sudden. Something we risk. Something we accept. Truth is – we slowly kill ourselves.

…more to follow here -> https://murmelmeister.com/2019/04/07/reality-at-work/

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